just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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