so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
