I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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