Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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