Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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