Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
