I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
How does one acquire holy water?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
