I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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