I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize