I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
