does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
