i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
