I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
