I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My pussy is not your playground.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize