I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
