I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
