ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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