you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
