I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
