; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
