were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
