is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Success! We fucked roommates!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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