Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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