I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
