Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
