why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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