i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
