just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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