You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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