Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
