how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
