It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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