Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
