i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
