tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
