We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
