Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize