I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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