I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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