Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
