um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
