Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
