I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
