a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize