you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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