I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
