proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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