he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
