I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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