I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
