Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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