i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
