in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
