Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
