did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Randomize
