don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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