The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
