Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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