Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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