you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Randomize
