Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
