Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
