the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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