Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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