he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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