When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
