That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
