He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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