One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
