Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
