Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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