god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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