plz talk dirty to me
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize
